10. Silent Beats

Moonlight pierced through the stained glass windows, illuminating the dancing figure in the room. She twirled, and twirled, and twirled. Silence was her music, and darkness her audience. "Silence has their beats," she whispered to her shadow. "And so I've learnt to listen, and obey like you taught." She stretched out one of her arm and leapt, ending with a graceful split. She heard the crowd cheered, and a smile crawled its way to her lips. 

Completed on: 22 July 2017

9. Never Enough

"I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew the answer too, you know?" Her voice cracked and her demeanor dropped. "I tried. I really did. I tried to be enough. But perhaps I never was, and I never will. Sure, I see changes in myself but it was a gradual process. I'm never enough for those that I care for greatly. I'm a constant let down. I tried to break myself apart so that I could rebuild in time. But it seems that I'm always too late, or simply not perfect enough. I wish I knew the answer to pleasing all that I hold dear." She let out a shaky breath.

"But whenever I whisper, it was only the eerie silence responding to me with the blowing wind resembling something like an echo from a hole. Perhaps that was the hole in my heart." She threw her head back, laughing at this point.

"Never enough. That's all I am - never enough."

Completed On: 28 June 2017

8. Lost, Broken & Bruised

 L ost in the world
 O f misery,
 S he was overwhelmed by
 T he impossibilites

 B e strong, she
 R epeatedly chanted as though a mantra yet the
 O pposite she is and she
 K nows that she hates
 E very bit of herself when things were
 N o longer in her control

 A nd she swore by her
 N ame that this would be the last
 D estruction

 B ut exactly how much time
 R an yet she still stayed,
 U nmovable?
 I t was uncomprehensible ---
 S he and her strength and the title
 E veryone honours her
 D iffer

.·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.  .·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.

🖋For every title everyone gave me yet I was not as it is ; For all the times I wished I was stronger ; For every mistake I made

7. Innocent Child

Introverted and shy,
He never speaks his mind
Knowing only to act like a hedgehog---
His fear and worries hidden
Behind anger, much like me

Too much similarities,
Must be the genes

Acting tough and strong
Bearing the weight alone
How many nights gone
His heart heavy as stone?

My heart aches to its core
As I watch him fights his silent war
He is merely a child
So how can he not be wild?

Expectations after expectations
Stern stares observes his actions
Behave, behave and behave
That was all he was told
Who ever sees deep into his soul?

In the day he push me away
At night however, he let me cuddle him my way
Though at times I let him down
He knows my love for him never dulls

Blames, accusion and scorns
Directed to an innocent child
Shield, protect and power
I swore upon myself, riled

Just what does it takes for him to be happy and free?

.·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.  .·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.

🖋For everything I had but you did not ; For all the times I can only watch on as you struggle ; For the only innocent child I wanted so much to protect

💬I know that everything is just so tough. But tough times produces tough people. May your future be bright and happiness be its color.

6. Weakling

   His loneliness grew
   Somewhere deep down she knew
   Yet she did nothing, but prayed that it would be better
   And he played strong, pretending like it really doesn't matter

   How many nights did he went through
   Unable to pacify the rough,
   Cold, wounded heart?
   As if the loneliness was not enough
   Sadness started to pave its path

   With his stubborn nature,
   He kept silent while watching his heart tear ---
   Its sound intensifying in his ear
   While she pretended not to hear

   Her nonchalance killed him inside
   But he was unaware of the fact that
   In her heart, guilt reside
   Was it really a surprise, that?

   In the end perhaps they were right
   That she is only capable of loving herself
   Much more than she can, any one else

   Yet no one really understood
   The weight she always felt

   Being misunderstood

   She was only human
   Though the only man
   She loves the most is herself
   Her love for him is true
   Never faltering, even if her actions does not exactly prove

   She was only confused
   On how to act like her feelings
   Which honestly, only makes her the weakling

.·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.  .·:*¨¨*:·. .·:*¨¨*:·.

🖋For my sweet little brother whom I failed so badly ; For all the things I should have been, yet I am not ; For the weakling I am, I despise you so damn much.

💬I am sincerely so sorry for my incapbility and the weakling I am. Trust me when I say that guilt have never left me alone even for a moment whenever I look at him and when he cross my mind. I am really terribly sorry. Please believe in my love, though. I swear I love you like no other, a lot more than anyone could ever imagin and my actions show. I am so so terribly sorry. All I ask for is that in the future, you'll be happily carefree.

Completed: 5 April 2017

Edited: 6 April 2017

5. 190616 How 13 Seconds Of Autograph Session Felt Like

Crowds are not really her type of things. Having to squeeze with hundreds of people made her sweat a lot more than she usually do. It was all a little unbelievable to her that she actually stood three hours in heels, buried in the crowd still tip toe-ing . She heard mumurs about how impressive the action was as the bystanders stared at her shoes. Her patience is ticking away with each second pass. Eight more. Five more. Two. Her heart suddenly started to beat faster and she tried to practice the lines she had been practicing the night before but no, she could no longer focus. And finally it was her turn. She felt her legs wobble for a little as she took strides towards the man who inspired her in many ways and grew up with her. She first heard of him when she was at the pure and innocent age of 12 and fell in love with his voice before she discovered more of him and fell in love with his personality too. He went missing for awhile in the industry when puberty hit to get accustomed with his new voice. And five years later, he made his comeback. As though a butterfly that just emerged from its lava state, he was a brand new person. He, who used to have a voice of a high octave now have a voice of an extremely low octave. However the greatest change was on his personality. He who used to be that sweet little innnocent boy now started cursing not only in his songs but in his speech too, though he was still as sweet as before. She felt a kind of connection between them as she too, became someone quite vulgar from someone with really good manners. It was that heart with a streak of rebellion yet controlled by the mind of sensibility that caused that sense of special correspondence.

And finally, it was her turn.

Never had she heard her heart beat any faster than it did or had she felt her blood rushing at such incredible speed. Her legs were a little wobbly as she made her way to that one man whose voice and face waved every single of her problems away. He shook the pen in his hands, trying to get the ink work. After some effort, he looked up with his dazzling smile before signing the tote bag. She braced herself to speak the same words as she practiced. She slowly yet surely opened her mouth,

“How was your day?” His voice broke the silence between them. She blinked. Once, then twice. That got her really off guard.

“Uh, it was good, thank you.” She smiled awkwardly, feeling very nervous. After squeezing out the replies from her thumping heart, she braced herself to say the words yet again.

“How was the show? Did you enjoy yourself tonight?” Again, he took the first shot in questioning her.

“Yeah. It was awesome.” She fidgeted, now a little deflated at how she could not manage to get the words out. She then decided it was now or never. “I know you heard many 'I love you's, but-”

“Me too.” He grinned, and she was caught off guard before realizing that he misheard her. She then began to run the another half of the sentence in her head, hoping to get it out. He took a quick glance at her face that was deep in thoughts, and attacked her hand resting on the table – clasping his own hands around it. To say that she was shocked was an understatement. The blood that was flowing in her so furiously previously suddenly went still. Her noisy mind that was replaying the lines she practiced yesterday night suddenly fell into silence. The only thing that she was aware of was the feeling of his hand holding hers. So she did the most natural thing – closed her hands with his. He gazed at her, enjoying the moment though she shy away, not too sure on how to react as everything threw her off her expectations. He then decided to pull away, however she grabbed his hand with her might. This time round, it was him that have eyes as big as saucers and he gaped at her for a moment. His gaze softened, however, as he realize that she was mustering her courage to speak her mind. He then gave her hand a squeeze, urging her to continue.

“I just want to thank you for all the soul touching music you've made,” she mentally slapped herself for using the wrong vocabulary before realizing how much her voice shook and she pondered awhile about the expression on her face. She nervously waited for his response.

He had his brows furrowed before leaning back, his mouth forming an 'O' shape.

“Oh, thank you so much.” His expression speak of nothing but how touched he was at her words. “Please take care, I love you.” And he gave a final squeeze of her hand before she nodded and left, too overwhelmed to say anything more. His gentle voice and that pair of sincere eyes, however, hung around in her mind 'til late night.

And this, will be one of the memory she'll remember forever.

4. 180316

Been more than 11 days since I last saw you.

Just 13 days ago I thought I should give it all up. You, our memories, all these emotions I bear for you, everything. Told myself since you bumped into everyone but me on the street, you and I probably just aren't meant to be.

You left traces everywhere I go. Be it the way back home, the bus stop where you used to always tease me, the shopping mall we used to frequently visit or that bookshop. That bookshop where you spent most of the time trying to shake me off and I spent most of the time proving the fact that no matter where you are, I'll never fail to catch up to you and walk along your side - something I merely wanted to do, and still do. To stay by your side, as we both walk down the road named life. I'll be satisfied with merely being by your side.

You're just so sly. You'll send me a text or appear in my dreams even if we've not talked or interacted for a long time, every single time the thought of letting you go surface on my mind. It was as though you can sense my decision. But this time, however, you chose to appear in front of me instead.
Remember when I said: I'm confident that I can spot you even if we're in a crowd of people? I've proven my capability. But what made my heart wavered was the fact that you could, too.

Where we were was a platform with many people. There could've easily been someone else that was able to catch our individual attention. Yet as soon as I singled you our from the rest, your eyes have already landed itself on me.

Excitement and the loneliness I had while missing you rushed through my veins and the smile on my face, though my efforts to conceal them, were still insanely wide. When had it been since my smile was that sincere? Tried to prevent ridiculing myself from running to you, but I still couldn't help the fast and huge steps I took.

We talked about so many things. Your school, your hobbies, your trip to South Korea, and others. I wonder if you'll ever know of how my heart skipped its many beats at each smile and laugh you've shown? I wonder if you'll ever know just how wonderful it is for me who was so stressed out to immediately relax around you? I wonder if you'll ever know about how lost I can get in your soul when your dark, black orbs searched mine?

I wonder if you'll ever know just how alive I feel simply having you by my side?

Oh please, tell me why do you stare at me with such gentleness in your eyes? You clearly hold no intentions of returning the love I bear for you. So why? Is it because I'm different from the rest?

Countless of times I spent wondering exactly what am I in your heart. Yet I know, if I were to ask, you'll tell me I'm a friend. Yet I want a detailed description, of whether I meant anything to you in any point of the time we were together.

I wonder if you'll ever know how deep is my love?

Tell me, what dampened your spirit when you knew of the opposite directions we were going to go, please. Was it because you wanted more time with me?

Tell me, why is it that you looked as if you don't want me to leave and you stared at my leaving back with those scorching orbs that I love? Is it because you wanted me to stay?

Tell me, what exactly do you feel about the sudden meeting?

Tons of questions surrounded my head. Yet I've never asked any of them, knowing that you wouldn't have answered anyways.

Do you know how much my heart skipped when you grant me that precious smile while listening to each word I uttered?

Do you know how much your laughter pulled at my heartstrings, knowing that I'm the one who triggered your laughs?

Do you know about the urges I have to just hold you tight whenever you stare at me with such gentleness in your eyes?

Do you know just how much I want to tell you those words and kiss your lips?

All these emotions I bear that you've not felt or heard of.

My love for you can never die. That, is a fact that will never change no matter how I try.

I hope you will tell me someday, about what exactly am I to you. If you've never felt even the slightest feelings for me, then why is it that you looked at me with those eyes and expression?

Maybe you already know about this love I hold for you. So 'til you can return them, I'll wait,

Started 30 March
Completed 30 May