5. 190616 How 13 Seconds Of Autograph Session Felt Like

Crowds are not really her type of things. Having to squeeze with hundreds of people made her sweat a lot more than she usually do. It was all a little unbelievable to her that she actually stood three hours in heels, buried in the crowd still tip toe-ing . She heard mumurs about how impressive the action was as the bystanders stared at her shoes. Her patience is ticking away with each second pass. Eight more. Five more. Two. Her heart suddenly started to beat faster and she tried to practice the lines she had been practicing the night before but no, she could no longer focus. And finally it was her turn. She felt her legs wobble for a little as she took strides towards the man who inspired her in many ways and grew up with her. She first heard of him when she was at the pure and innocent age of 12 and fell in love with his voice before she discovered more of him and fell in love with his personality too. He went missing for awhile in the industry when puberty hit to get accustomed with his new voice. And five years later, he made his comeback. As though a butterfly that just emerged from its lava state, he was a brand new person. He, who used to have a voice of a high octave now have a voice of an extremely low octave. However the greatest change was on his personality. He who used to be that sweet little innnocent boy now started cursing not only in his songs but in his speech too, though he was still as sweet as before. She felt a kind of connection between them as she too, became someone quite vulgar from someone with really good manners. It was that heart with a streak of rebellion yet controlled by the mind of sensibility that caused that sense of special correspondence.

And finally, it was her turn.

Never had she heard her heart beat any faster than it did or had she felt her blood rushing at such incredible speed. Her legs were a little wobbly as she made her way to that one man whose voice and face waved every single of her problems away. He shook the pen in his hands, trying to get the ink work. After some effort, he looked up with his dazzling smile before signing the tote bag. She braced herself to speak the same words as she practiced. She slowly yet surely opened her mouth,

“How was your day?” His voice broke the silence between them. She blinked. Once, then twice. That got her really off guard.

“Uh, it was good, thank you.” She smiled awkwardly, feeling very nervous. After squeezing out the replies from her thumping heart, she braced herself to say the words yet again.

“How was the show? Did you enjoy yourself tonight?” Again, he took the first shot in questioning her.

“Yeah. It was awesome.” She fidgeted, now a little deflated at how she could not manage to get the words out. She then decided it was now or never. “I know you heard many 'I love you's, but-”

“Me too.” He grinned, and she was caught off guard before realizing that he misheard her. She then began to run the another half of the sentence in her head, hoping to get it out. He took a quick glance at her face that was deep in thoughts, and attacked her hand resting on the table – clasping his own hands around it. To say that she was shocked was an understatement. The blood that was flowing in her so furiously previously suddenly went still. Her noisy mind that was replaying the lines she practiced yesterday night suddenly fell into silence. The only thing that she was aware of was the feeling of his hand holding hers. So she did the most natural thing – closed her hands with his. He gazed at her, enjoying the moment though she shy away, not too sure on how to react as everything threw her off her expectations. He then decided to pull away, however she grabbed his hand with her might. This time round, it was him that have eyes as big as saucers and he gaped at her for a moment. His gaze softened, however, as he realize that she was mustering her courage to speak her mind. He then gave her hand a squeeze, urging her to continue.

“I just want to thank you for all the soul touching music you've made,” she mentally slapped herself for using the wrong vocabulary before realizing how much her voice shook and she pondered awhile about the expression on her face. She nervously waited for his response.

He had his brows furrowed before leaning back, his mouth forming an 'O' shape.

“Oh, thank you so much.” His expression speak of nothing but how touched he was at her words. “Please take care, I love you.” And he gave a final squeeze of her hand before she nodded and left, too overwhelmed to say anything more. His gentle voice and that pair of sincere eyes, however, hung around in her mind 'til late night.

And this, will be one of the memory she'll remember forever.

4. 180316

Been more than 11 days since I last saw you.

Just 13 days ago I thought I should give it all up. You, our memories, all these emotions I bear for you, everything. Told myself since you bumped into everyone but me on the street, you and I probably just aren't meant to be.

You left traces everywhere I go. Be it the way back home, the bus stop where you used to always tease me, the shopping mall we used to frequently visit or that bookshop. That bookshop where you spent most of the time trying to shake me off and I spent most of the time proving the fact that no matter where you are, I'll never fail to catch up to you and walk along your side - something I merely wanted to do, and still do. To stay by your side, as we both walk down the road named life. I'll be satisfied with merely being by your side.

You're just so sly. You'll send me a text or appear in my dreams even if we've not talked or interacted for a long time, every single time the thought of letting you go surface on my mind. It was as though you can sense my decision. But this time, however, you chose to appear in front of me instead.
Remember when I said: I'm confident that I can spot you even if we're in a crowd of people? I've proven my capability. But what made my heart wavered was the fact that you could, too.

Where we were was a platform with many people. There could've easily been someone else that was able to catch our individual attention. Yet as soon as I singled you our from the rest, your eyes have already landed itself on me.

Excitement and the loneliness I had while missing you rushed through my veins and the smile on my face, though my efforts to conceal them, were still insanely wide. When had it been since my smile was that sincere? Tried to prevent ridiculing myself from running to you, but I still couldn't help the fast and huge steps I took.

We talked about so many things. Your school, your hobbies, your trip to South Korea, and others. I wonder if you'll ever know of how my heart skipped its many beats at each smile and laugh you've shown? I wonder if you'll ever know just how wonderful it is for me who was so stressed out to immediately relax around you? I wonder if you'll ever know about how lost I can get in your soul when your dark, black orbs searched mine?

I wonder if you'll ever know just how alive I feel simply having you by my side?

Oh please, tell me why do you stare at me with such gentleness in your eyes? You clearly hold no intentions of returning the love I bear for you. So why? Is it because I'm different from the rest?

Countless of times I spent wondering exactly what am I in your heart. Yet I know, if I were to ask, you'll tell me I'm a friend. Yet I want a detailed description, of whether I meant anything to you in any point of the time we were together.

I wonder if you'll ever know how deep is my love?

Tell me, what dampened your spirit when you knew of the opposite directions we were going to go, please. Was it because you wanted more time with me?

Tell me, why is it that you looked as if you don't want me to leave and you stared at my leaving back with those scorching orbs that I love? Is it because you wanted me to stay?

Tell me, what exactly do you feel about the sudden meeting?

Tons of questions surrounded my head. Yet I've never asked any of them, knowing that you wouldn't have answered anyways.

Do you know how much my heart skipped when you grant me that precious smile while listening to each word I uttered?

Do you know how much your laughter pulled at my heartstrings, knowing that I'm the one who triggered your laughs?

Do you know about the urges I have to just hold you tight whenever you stare at me with such gentleness in your eyes?

Do you know just how much I want to tell you those words and kiss your lips?

All these emotions I bear that you've not felt or heard of.

My love for you can never die. That, is a fact that will never change no matter how I try.

I hope you will tell me someday, about what exactly am I to you. If you've never felt even the slightest feelings for me, then why is it that you looked at me with those eyes and expression?

Maybe you already know about this love I hold for you. So 'til you can return them, I'll wait,

Started 30 March
Completed 30 May

3. A Group Of Six.

At the beginning of 2015, I found a group of friends. And finally, I experienced how being in a group truly feels like. It was exciting, fun and all those rules breaking we did and the insane amount of overflowing adrenaline in my veins will never be replaced.

It had been a year, since the six of us came together.

Everyone was dedicated to this little group of friends. We completed group works together, we sat around one another during every lesson and we went out for study dates. We broke the rules, never caring a damn thing as long as we have fun. All of us enjoyed one another's company and we were always together, laughing, joking and having each other's back guarded.

However, things changed.

I don't know since when. Probably when that girl exposed words I entrusted her with. I began losing trust in her. Somehow, there was a wall between us. Slowly, yet steadily, she began to talk to him about things. Horrible things I have no knowledge of. But it wasn't like I knew nothing of it. I just simply act like nothing happened. I didn't want to break what we built. But as it goes on, I started to talk about her with him too. He was closer with me than he ever was with her and he admitted how she spoke behind my back. I didn't know where went wrong. We were once so close. So close we shared our deepest secrets. So close we stuck together throughout every class activities. So close the first thing we do every morning and reccess is to sit beside each other and make phone calls to talk about all those things we wouldn't want anyone but each other to know. We were that close. And just out of nowhere, things changed.

When I talked to him about her, he started to make comments about her too. And we just went on. The trust I bear for her is slowly crumbling. It was a sudden realization, but I realize after all these time, she simply sees me as a rival - academically and socially. Our grades were close. Even our position in both class and level. Always by a place apart. I knew who she was closest with in this group of friends, aside from me (but then again, we probably weren't even close in the beginning at all in her heart) and the dark side of me took over. I had always been close with that guy so it wasn't hard for me to open my mouth and discuss with him about her. But what I didn't expect was his impression of her. I guess he knew as much as I do, if not more. And I was secretly glad that a part of him refused her too, like I do.

We had six. But now we're left with five.

And then there was another plot twist.

Fights broke out between us and another group of people. They accused us of things we never did, and placed labels on us. Him and I stood up for our group. And I thought that he was on our side. But with individual confrontation with that bitch, things took a turn and I realize the truth.

He betrayed us.

And most of all, he betrayed me.

We were so close. I considered him as my closest guy friend in the entire school. Since the day we sat beside each other, we hit off so well. He told me about things he never told to others. He told me about his dreams. He never was afraid of me judging him like the others. We were so close, so open. He sent me his voice, he tells me his judegement, and we talked. About so much. I thought I found the one. I shared things I thought it will be fine. We were, what I thought - invincible.

Yet, he stabbed me from the back.

I didn't expected him to throw the daggers that fast. He went on to the bitch, telling her about how me and that guy received help, expressing his feelings to her like I thought he only did to me. No, he wasn't expressing his feelings. He was badmouthing about us. He went on to that bitch, telling her so many things, so many lies, so many made up scene. And god knows if he told her more than I thought he could and he would. I thought I meant something. Well I guess I thought wrong. Things started to get worse, when he chose to protect himself from staying away from the entire matter, when it was him to cause it all, and the truth began to unfold. He badmouthed about us to that bitch. If he can do it once, who knows how many times he did it already? And the worse was even after all the things, he didn't realize his mistakes.

That was when everything snapped into two.

I lost faith, and so did everyone else.

We had never expected this kind of betrayal from him.

We had six. But now we're left with four.

Although we were a group of six, the other two had lives of their own. They were more sociable and have closer friends in other classes. We accepted the fact and were all fine with it. Perhaps it was the similarity of their friendship lives, the two were closer with each other. It wasn't as if we don't appreciate them just because we are not as close, but sometimes, you just feel a distance between the two and us...

We had six. But now we're left with two.

That guy. He is the only one left. The one who I know I can trust. He was there beside me throughout every single thing. And though he suck at comforting people, he never fails to cheer me up and make me tumble over with laughter. He is a man full of charisma. He have the best jokes ever, is sensitive towards the feelings of others and most of all, he understands. I don't think I've ever came across anyone like him before in this school. He understands like no one ever does. Some times I spilled things that I didn't mean to, but that's because he is too gentle and he made me too at ease to care about the details. He is the only one to be this real with me. He is the only one left.

But a part of me is afraid. Afraid if he'll get tired of me like everyone else did. So I kept part of my trust.

We had six. But now we had none.

We first came together because we got along well. Yet now... we've fell apart. Yet, we wouldn't seperate our ways. Because we're all selfish people.

And this selfishness is the only thing that still bonds us together.

All six of us were full of pride. We don't wish to interact with those that we look down on and at the same time, we refused to be looked down on just because we have no close friends in the class. For this very selfish reason - to appear wanted, we stayed together and acted like nothing happened. Like there were no cracks. Like we were back in the past.

Yet if anyone were to look closer, they wouldn't have missed how things changed.

Our conversations got shorter. From the jokes every five minutes and the laughter every minute, it went down to only a few necessary academic exchange. We became quiet. We became unsure of how we should interact. And even if we keep up the chatter, the content are all boring and dull, never truly able to captivate any of us.

Yet we put on all those act, for that very sole reason that holds us together.

To avoid any judgmental eyes and the trouble to find new friends.

No matter how much we've fallen apart; no matter how little faith we've left for one another; no matter how tiring it gets to fake each smile and laugh to put on a show; no matter how boring those empty conversations get; no matter the price, as long as it's for that reason, for our own benefits, we will not stop. We'll just carry on using one another for our own purpose.

Everyone knew what was everyone else thinking. Yet no one said anything. We just each carry on with our own scheme, willing to carry out the roles they assigned for us, as long as they too, follow ours.

A bunch of selfish, heartless people, don't you think?

It's this selfish and indifference that still bonds us together.

Sad, yet not really. I'm glad there's still a kind of bond between us that no one can severe and interfer.

Because it's only the six of us that can be as ruthless, as heartless, as unfeeling to make use of others while letting others make use of ourselves, for our own benefits. I've witnessed how many others tried, yet failed.

Somehow, we've got an amazing relationship, don't we? Heh.

But that's all just self reassurance. In reality, it is simply what it is.

At the end of 2015, I am together with five strangers that all sold their souls to the devils. And I, along with them, will pave unforgettable memories filled with sweet betrayal.

Completed on 21.01.16